Words That Do Not Exist In Cycling – But Should

 

These are words that should exist in our sport, but do not as of yet. Well until now. Sort of.

Schnooble – (verb) shnoo bel – A schnooble, (schnoobling, or “I schnoobled myself”) occurs when one is pulling up their arm warmers at the top and their grip is lost, resulting in a self inflicted punch to the face area.

Mangerschlung – (adjective; from old Dutch) 1. the sound of blowing a snot rocket; 2. describing the residue left from mucus, usually found on gloves, shorts, shoes.

Cropdusting – Farting on members of your immediate peloton, then sprinting away.

Whisslahp – a thin tendril of drool that escapes during high speed descents.

Teuf-Teuf - when you slip off a pedal and jab your taint (perineum) on the tip of your saddle.

Schnortette – (noun; orginated in Saskatchewan circa 1900), when one spits (accidentally or not) on following cyclists, also counts towards overages of snot rockets.

Dimp – (verb – I dimped) – to skip your pedal on the pavement while turning. Can result in a crash.

Flumper – (noun) A road so bumpy it turns ones prostate into a diamond

baboon (v) – when you teuf-teuf so hard that your grundle, taint, or labia bruises a bluish-pinkish-purple; thusly, when you strip down to nothing and get on all fours, you may be mistaken for a baboon from behind. Red assed and of poor disposition.

Dip Snaz- Cat 5 rider on a $6000+ bike.

Booge: verb/noun – When your chamois butter develops a hard, cheese-like clog in the opening and you have to squeeze like hell to get it to come out; then suddenly it does, hitting the palm of your hand with such momentum that it splats all over your face, kit, sweet ironclad base layer, etc.

Usage: This morning, I was getting ready to butter up and I booged myself so bad I had a flashback of that time I got drunk with Ron Jeremy.

Musettenger Bag : noun – an ultra-small messenger bag, approximately the size of a musette and not capable of carrying more than loose change, a single tampon and 3 single cigarettes. sometimes adorned with fancy
embroidery costing equal the price of the bag itself, almost always worn by someone with a sideways baseball cap in place of his or her helmet.

Norkernoun – a gap in the riding surface sufficiently deep to cause immediate, split-second wrecks, even though the rider attempts to account for the hazard. Cracked pavement, railroad or streetcar tracks, and roadside curbs are applicable norkers.

The Piston
– n – A breakfast consisting of 10 grain oatmeal, dates, a bowl of fruit, and a big mug of Stumptown coffee. Best not to eat this on race day…

Gludrodroit
– n. – A person who races late season crits for the sole purpose to train for cyclocross.

Chamsquatch - n. – A person who, when finished with their race, takes the time to put on a t shirt and regular shoes but opts to stay in the chamois. Borderline retarded. Can be easily manipulated with micro brew or clif blocks.

Cycloscat – A cyclocross race conducted on a course laden with animal poop.

Slooper – n. sloo-per – Sloopers are the bright, shiny pubes you find still attached to your chamois even though they’ve just gone through a full cycle in the washing machine.

Mudiot – n. mud-e-it – A person who reaches a frothy semi-sexually aroused state at the idea of racing a cyclocross event in very muddy conditions. Certain strains of mudiots include beginner racers as well. Prone to falling down and extending their time in the mud.

Portlandermis – n. port-en-der-miss A rider’s florescent skin done after a Portland winter. Can be neon shades of yellow or green, but mostly pure eggshell white. Shuns bright light in quantities. Lotions consistently. Has been used by various military organizations as an equivalent to a flash bang grenade if assaulting an enemy that is without sunglasses. Referred to as “dead” outside of the pacific northwest.

Kinking – v. kink’ing: The act of drinking with intent while still in kit. Chamois time is training time, after all.

Fredistan – n. fredis-tan, country : When out on a training ride, and one is besieged by Freds from all directions. Oncoming, overtaking, and sitting on your wheel without permission. Fredistan is not a destination most riders want to be in.

Velorator – n. vel-O-rate’r : That person in the peloton of any race, anywhere, that continually talks. To you, over you, at anyone, about anything. Over and over and over again. Prone to mastering the obvious with gems like “that hurt!” “the sprint is coming up” “c’mon guys!” etc.

 

 

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3 Responses to “Words That Do Not Exist In Cycling – But Should”

  1. Cook$ December 26, 2009 at 12:27 PM # Reply

    May I suggest ‘Poopercharger’ as an alternate to ‘Apollo 11′?

  2. Matt May 10, 2011 at 8:23 PM # Reply

    May I suggest ‘Dura Curls’ as an alternate to ‘Sloopers’?

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